


You Big, Dumb, Idiot

by SpiderGeddon



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man (Comicverse), Spider-Man/Deadpool - Joe Kelly (Comics)
Genre: Crushes, Developing Relationship, Identity Reveal, Injury Recovery, M/M, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-19 18:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17006784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpiderGeddon/pseuds/SpiderGeddon
Summary: Peter is attacked by Otto Octavius. Bobbi hires a familiar red leathered asshat to rescue him.Based on the current run of Amazing Spiderman: WorldwideAny questions? Read Superior Spider-Man, Spider-Man & Deadpool, and Amazing Spiderman: Worldwide





	1. The Superior Octopus

"You know," Peter huffed as a metal claw slammed into the wall next to his face.

"Of all the clones I can't stand," The steel tentacle drew back and spidey-sense allowed Peter to dodge another two strikes, ending up further up the wall.

"I can't stand YOU the most."

"Dense CHILD!" Otto shrieked, the muscles in his brand new body rippled as his robotic limbs chased Peter even further up the wall. A body like Peter's, but somehow, HUGE. Like, twice as big. Peter had already been clipped by a couple of the heavy claws, and knew his super-strength wouldn't stand a chance against Octavius's monstrosity of a creation.

"I am everything you lack!" Peter darted around two more strikes, the long whip-like arms snaking ever-closer. "I am everything you will never be! Your greatest foe, your greatest failure! I am 

THE SUPERIOR OCTOPUS."

"That's stupi--" Peter's reply was cut short by a few hundred pounds of sheer force slapping him clear across the room and into a DIFFERENT wall. By the time he got to his feet and oriented himself, his spider-sense had begun to buzz lightly.

"Okay that about does it for your 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers' garbage, Otto. It's getting SUPER old, even for you."

Peter shot a ball of webbing towards Otto's face, and watched everything go completely wrong in slow-motion.

One tentacle sliced through the air, easily tearing through the web intended to incapacitate. In that same instance, Peter's spider-sense flared so intensely it felt like all of his nerves were on fire. A second tentacle blindsided Peter, hitting him full-force in the side of the head. Peter saw white, and before he could even twitch a third claw was pressing so hard on his throat that the wall behind him was cracking. The fourth snatched his wrists up, crushing his web-shooters as it smashed them into the wall above his head. Well, those were going to be a pain to replace.

"Hey, HEY! Don't damage the expensive science-y merchandise, Doc! I only got two of those!" Peter's voice was a rasp, the claw holding onto his throat not exactly giving him much room to breathe. His remark only caused the pressure to intensify.

"You dare make a fool of yourself while in this position?" Otto hissed. Peter did his best shrug, given his restrained nature.

"W-well I'd go after you-- but you've already done that enough... yourself." The claw tightened more with each word, pressing him deeper into the wall. Boy, did it hurt. Peter kicked outward, coming nowhere close to Otto's body. He was so, so very fucked.

"H-hell... Of a grip, Otto -ngh- Ha...have you... Considered -huh- Professional arm... wrestling? Bit of an un-- AGH-- unfair adv-vantage though. You'd h... have... Have to... hah...h..."

Otto felt the young hero's body go slack in his grip. He gave it about ten seconds, and snaked a metal arm around Peter's torso.

"And for a few short moments, Parker shuts the hell up." Otto quipped to himself, smirking as he dragged the unconscious form out of the Parker Industries lab they had just trashed.

\---

"Ugh..." Peter groaned, rolling his head in an attempt to lift it. Everything hurt, and his spider-sense was still setting every inch of his body on edge. He flexed to check inventory, and realized why his body was sore and difficult to move.

He was on his knees and bent slightly backwards, his arms draped over a thick metal bar, and somehow tied to his waist. He wasnt sure with what exactly, his neck was too sore and stiff to crane that far backwards. The same material was wrapped around his ankles. Was it... Metal cables? Peter snorted and rolled his eyes. Cables, schmables. He could tear a car in half. This was no biggie.

Right...? Peter's first tug against his bindings did absolutely nothing. His mouth fell open and he tried again, even harder. The cables bit into his skin, but gave zero signs of give.

Okay, time to panic. Peter thrashed for a few minutes to no avail. His panting and struggling was answered with a voice that made him jump. When did Otto get there? Where even were they?

"Good luck with those, Spider. Those cables are meant to arrest sonic jets and prevent them from taking off prematurely."

"W...What the fuck...?" Peter sputtered, struggling as hard as he could. His knees slipped slightly out from under him, wrenching his arms further up and tightening the cable around his midsection. His breath was becoming constricted. Okay, so if he wasn't careful, or got too comfortable, then his situation would get worse. Noted.

"Ooh, language, Parker! What would the kids say if they saw Spider-Man saying a bad word!?"

Otto was a lot mouthier when Peter couldn't just deck him for it. Speaking of, where was the-- 

*WHAM*

\--yeah that. There it is. 

Otto's *actual* fist drove into Peter's face, blurring his vision for a few seconds.

"Skin-to-skin, Otto? I feel so special." Peter coughed out.

*WHAM*

A second fist sailed right into Peter's jaw, knocking him down a few more inches. He hissed as his arms were wrenched even more painfully over the bar. He could barely keep himself upright now.

"I'd ask what you want from me, but I guess that's super played out--" he managed, before being backhanded sharply. He struggled to keep his knees planted firmly this time.

Otto got right up in his face, a metal claw sliding menacingly forward to hold his chin in an iron grip. Another tore off his mask with lightning speed. Peter let out a gasp.

"Hey! I need that!"

"What I want," Otto started, yanking Peter's face as far upwards as his bonds would allow. "Is what belongs to me. What *I* created." Peter tried to kick outwards, but discovered the cable lashing his ankles together was attached to the bar behind him somewhere. Great. At least he was fully upright again.

"Shame? Sadness? An overwhelming sense of dread? Don't you have enough of-- nrgh--" Peter's quip was silenced as his jaw was squeezed so hard he thought it might break.

"Your *company*, Peter." Peter's body was too strained to make a phrasing joke. "I want Parker Industries." Otto let go of Peter's jaw and watched his body sag back down to the previous uncomfortable position.

Peter writhed a bit, readjusting his increasingly stiffening muscles, and finally responded.

"That ain't it, chief. Pick somethin' else." He shook his head the best he could from his stance.

"I BUILT IT! EVERYTHING BEHIND THOSE DOORS BELONGS TO ME!"

Another head-shake from Peter.

"Nope. No-can-do. Not gonna happen."

Two octopus arms clenched the heavy bar Peter was bound to, bringing Otto's still-masked face inches from Peter's. Which was fine, Peter was pretty tired of arguing with dudes who had his face at this point.

"I poured everything into what you now claim as your own. I DEFEATED you. Here you KNEEL, at my mercy, and you DARE--"

"I fucking *do*," Peter interrupted, headbutting Otto as hard as he could. It only knocked Otto back a few feet, and the spider-sense erupted again as Otto roared in anger, three sharp claw-prongs embedding themselves into Peter's chest.

Peter howled in pain as the offending piece of metal pressed him further backwards. His body ached with the forced position, and his spider-sense was overwhelming literally everything else.

"I don't reccomend trying that again," Otto seethed, his claw clenching. More of Peter's skin sheared along with it before he ripped it outwards, stalking to an area behind Peter. The only response Peter could provide was a pained whimper.

"Insolent brat." Otto spat. His voice was heading back towards Peter's panting form. "I have grown very tired of your mouth."

"Well that sucks. Because I have plenty more where th--hhmmph!" 

A thick, knotted bandana was forced into Peter's mouth and swiftly tied a little TOO tightly around his head. He almost choked on it.

Otto slinked back to Peter's front, wearing a shit-eating grin the whole way.

"Oh I like this much better," Otto mused.

"Nngfh." Came Peter's irritated grunt. He could barely move his mouth around the thick knot. Not even enough to make *muffled* quips.

"Now, I think we were discussing... *business*, Parker. Specifically yours."

"Hhmmph," grumbled Peter, glaring upwards through matted hair. If it wasn't already difficult to breathe, it definitely was now.

"Now, now. I know you're not ready for a change of hands just yet. But maybe, after my... Business proposal, you'll consider changing your mind." Otto was holding up a-- whatthefuckisthatthing.

"Mmph?" Peter tilted his head. It was some kind of... Baton? Did Otto really think just bonking him around a bit was going to oh shit.

"NNNPH!" Came Peter's cry as Otto turned on the device. It crackled to life, shooting arcs of electricity up and down its length. Nope. He was going to electrocute Peter half to death instead. Lucky him.

Peter squirmed, unable to budge an inch. His spider-sense was near blinding now, a screaming alarm in the base of his skull. As if Electro hadn't given him enough voltage at one point to probably do permanent brain damage.

Otto was in Peter's body long enough to know that Peter absolutely HATED being shocked. It happened way too often, and was hyper-painful every time, thanks to his heightened senses. There are some real downsides to fighting a guy who used to inhabit your brain, Peter decided.

His inner quipping was interrupted by waves of sheer pain pulsing through his entire body. He couldn't stop the scream that ripped through his throat.

"You know," marveled Otto, striking peter again and earning another choked scream. "A zap from this thing would kill a normal human instantly." Another heavy shock to Peter's body punctuated his sentence. Peter's eyes were watering and he could barely think.

"But for someone like you, it's juuuuust enough." He ended his point with another heavy shock.

"Nnhhh..." Peter weakly moaned.

Otto smiled as Peter's ragged form slumped, twisting his arms upwards again. Peter barely noticed this time, too occupied by the searing pain his entire body was in.

"Makes one nice and complacent, yes?"

Peter could only manage a weak groan. A fistful of his hair was being gripped. His head was wrenched backwards, Otto's face inches from his own.

"So how about a deal? Hand over the company to me and step down. Or I leave you here and BURN it all down myself?"

Peter shook his head the best he could in Otto's grip.

"Nngghhff. Hmmmh." A weak, shaky growl was the closest he could get to telling Otto to fuck off. He tried pulling on his bindings again, but found that he could barely even feel his arms. Not good.

Otto let go of his head, taking the electric baton DIRECTLY to Peter's newly exposed throat.

The only thing was pain. Peter wasn't aware of any sounds he was making, or if he even was. His skin felt hot. His throat was going to explode. He could feel burns branching over his skin. It felt like he was being roasted from the inside. Tears were streaming from his eyes now.

Peter flinched when the baton was pressed against his inner thigh. Otto hadn't shocked him with it yet. Weird. He realized why when it inched upwards. Peter squirmed. He whimpered pleadingly, his whines turning into yelps and shrieks the closer the baton got to his crotch.

"Nff-- ppllllfffssss..." Peter begged, his tears intensifying. Please not there. Literally anywhere but there Otto what the fuck--

Every muscle in Peter's body tensed and spasmed as the baton went off inches above his dick. An agonized scream tore through him, his throat already becoming raw. Another shock. Another, and another. Peter could barely even tell WHERE he was being zapped now. Just that it was different every time. 

Otto was yelling. Yelling about something. What did he want again? Right, the labs. Peter's research. What was Otto yelling? Peter's ears were ringing so intensely he could barely make out a thing. Just Otto's voice, the crackling sounds of electricity and burning skin, and some broken... Broken glass? What?

What sounded like gunfire rang out through the warehouse-like building he was being kept in. More shouting from Otto. He sounded distressed. A bigger voice now. Angry. Livid. Peter couldn't think of any word angry enough for just how murderously pissed the voice sounded. His vision was already going white and he couldn't hold himself up anymore. The angry voice softened, despite crashing and explosion noises surrounding it. They were saying something in his direction.

"--okay Spidey?"

Peter groaned in pain and his body went completely slack. Whoever it was, he just couldn't right now.


	2. Bobbi Hires A Merc

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wade and Otto do a bit of battle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third chapter halfway done hella

"Wade? Wade did you hear me?" Mockingbird was standing in his apartment entrance, fully decked out in her costume.

"I'm listening sugartits, we have to go help your boyfriend," Wade waved her off as he wiped some sharpening stone dust off one of his knives.

"Ex-boyfriend." Bobbi corrected, folding her arms.

"Hyphen and everything. She's still mad." Wade mumbled. Bobbi knew better than to question Wade's weird bullshit by now.

"Point is," she started again, "Spider-Man is completely and utterly fucked if we don't do something. With the new body Octavius gave himself, Spidey doesn't stand a ghost of a chance."

"The fuck you want me to do then, exactly? You're tellin' me that this guy is twice the bad bitch that Spidey is, and you expect BULLETS to stop his ass? Homegirl you need to figure this team-up shit out first."

Bobbi sighed. She unfolded her arms and her face softened.

"I know. There's barely even a chance this will work. Bullets may not hurt him that much, but you can drive him out."

Bobbi tapped a few spots on her phone before turning it to Wade, a digital blueprint on the screen.

"This is where I've pinged the tracker in his suit. He's definitely being held here."

Wade raised an eyebrow, retrieving his mask from the kitchen counter.

"I didn't put it there," she rushed. "Stark did, i just... You know, sort of tapped into it." 

Wade's smirk did not make her feel any better.

"Listen, YOU try being trusting after you found out YOUR boyfriend was waist deep in Black Cat in the middle of a job, okay? Can we drop it?"

Wade chuckled and tugged his mask on. He double checked every holster on his body.

"I'd say I get it, but I dated, like, a literal prostitute. We had an open thing." He turned to Bobbi, grinning under his mask. 

"How do I look?"

"Like an idiot."

"You always know how to compliment me, Bobs."

"You know the game plan right?"

"Don't worry birdbrain. I know what do." Wade pointed at the floor with finger guns and made "pew pew" sounds, then made exaggerated interpretive motions with his hands.

"I funnel him out of the building with my sharp bois and boomy sticks, you and your not-so-shield-anymore buddies snatch him up and cart him off, I take Spidey-pants somewhere safe. Eh?"

Bobbi nodded at him. "Don't fuck this up, 'Pool."

She turned to leave.

"Oh, and Wade?"

"Yep?"

"If he dies, I will personally invite myself into your home and snap your neck."

Wade grinned, gripping a sword and punching the coords Bobbi gave him into his gps. 

"Don't threaten me with a good time, baby bird."

\---

Wade crouched outside of an old warehouse-like building, peering into a basement window. Cliche.

"Wade? You see him yet?" Bobbi's voice crackled through and earpiece she had given him.

"I can't see shit. But I do hear what sounds like a scrawny nerd being beaten to shit, so I think we're in the right place."

"Not funny, Deadpool."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm going in. Less talky, more stabby."

Wade pried the window upwards and slipped through with ease. By now he was am expert at the classic B&E. 

"Slidin' into your DMs, Ock..." Wade mumbled to no one in particular. He followed the sounds of someone clearly crying out in pain until he came to one of the inner rooms. Here, the sounds were the loudest. Crackling, screaming, and a man shouting angrily.

"Bingo."

Deadpool took a deep breath, drawing his twin pistols and bouncing on the balls of his feet for a moment.

"Maximum effort!" He cried, thrusting a boot into the door, which crumpled easily. He fired two rounds in the general direction of the angry doctor.

"WHO DARES," Otto bellowed. He was holding a rather menacing shock baton, and standing over a motionless and restrained Spider-man. 

"ME DARES!" Wade retorted, firing two more shots from each gun. He heard one ping off of something.

"Those are warning shots! The next ones will be less warn-y!" Wade shouted. He glanced over at Spidey before Otto charged forward. He wasn't moving much, but he was twitching and just barely breathing.

"Hey! You okay, Spidey?" He called to the ragged form. A barely audible moan met him in response. Not good.

Though, Otto's attention was now focused on him. Better.

"It's a fight you want, you loudmouthed dolt? So be it! THE DIE IS CAST!"

"Ock, right? Crazed science man? I'm your friendly neighborhood Deadpool! Nice to shoot you!" Bobbi had told Wade that Otto was irrational, short tempered, and very easily distracted. Easy pickins.

Right on cue, Otto took the bait. Two huge claws swung Wade's way, and he just barely dodged them. His movement was erratic. Wade rolled backwards into the hall, emptying his pistols towards Octopus. .50 caliber shells hit the floor like bells. Otto charged forward, even more upset.

Come on big boy, Wade thought. All the way out, just follow my lead.

Wade drew a small machine gun and sprinted for the windowed area, Ock fast behind him.

"Wanna taste some AR-57? I BET YOU DOOOO~"

Wade pointed upwards, hitting most of the windows and shattering them instantly. If Bobbi wanted a signal from him, there it was.

Like clockwork, her voice came over the comm.

"Hell of a show right there. Spidey okay?"

Wade grunted, a little busy with dodging weird metal tentaclds and retirning fire to respond.

"West window. See it? Can you get him out of it?"

Wade grunted again in acknowledgement. He was so focused, he couldn't even hear the insults Otto was hurling his way.

He leapt upwards, scrabbling through the small window as fast as he could. He fired back down into it until Octopus came bursting through, metal arms shooting for Deadpool.

A thin arrow struck him, beeped twice, and then Otto's arms began shutting down. Wade didn't stick around to watch him go down, immediately diving back through the window and rushing into the room where Spider-Man was held captive.

His mask was removed, but there wasn't much Wade could do about that. He needed Spidey to be able to stay alive. He would deal with the fallout of seeing his face later.

Wade stepped over thr broken door and ran to Spider-Man, kneeling in front of him.

"Spidey? Hey Spidey, talk to me." Wade shook the small hero a bit.

"Seriously, Spidey. You need to be okay or your ex girlfriend is gonna lose her-- SHIT." Wade lifted the younger man's head and recoiled a bit. Attached to the suit of his actual favorite hero, was the face of Parker. Peter fucking Parker.

"Oh no. No way. No fucking way. Oh my GOD you're such an ASSHOLE." Wade mumbled, recovering quickly and setting to freeing Peter. He started with the gag that looked painfully tight, then started searching around the room for something to remove... Were those fucking JET cables? That explained a lot.

Finally he found a weird hand-held claw thing on Octavius's desk. It looked sharp. He held it over one of the cables and hit the button. Wade breathed out as it crushed the cable with ease. 

"Jesus H Motherfucker I'm glad those claws didn't hit me."

He grumbled as he quickly set to removing the rest of the cables.

"I cannot fucking believe you're Parker. I can't fucking BELIEVE you."

Wade caught Peter before he slid to the ground. He hoisted him up into a fireman's carry.

"Off to the safe house, then. And then I guess we're gonna have one looooooong ass talk, dickhead."

Wade exited from the opposite side, whipping his phone out and dialing his cab driver.


	3. Ooh He Said It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the author is gratuitous. 
> 
> No actual dingle-dongin in this fic, but I have a fluff fic coming and a couple of harder fics on their way so keep your eyes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know i have typos in my other chapters. I'll be going through em this week and fixing all the errors. Thanks for looking past them and not yelling at me y'all are the best.

Peter stirred, groaning as light hit him square in the eye. He wasn't sure where he was, but he had a weird feeling. The feeling of being in trouble. 

He rubbed at his mask-less face and looked up, immediately realizing why.

Deadpool. 

Standing at his kitchen counter, fixing Peter with a cold glare.

"Wade, I--"

"Shut. I can't fucking BELIEVE you, Spidey!" Deadpool sounded upset. Hurt, even. He was waving a wooden spoon around. Peter could smell something like adobo cooking.

"I had thought," Wade continued, "that we were FRIENDS. And that we weren't supposed to keep big ass, colossal, life-changing secrets from each other anymore!" Peter winced at the accusation. 

"Wade," he started gently. "I couldn't just--"

"You couldn't? Unbelievable! That's bullshit and you know it!" Wade scoffed, turning his back on Peter to chop something up at the other counter. Peter felt weird about arguing with the man this... Domestically.

"Wade, I'm sorry. Okay? I should have told you, I guess. I just didn't--"

"Think it was IMPORTANT? Parker I fucking KILLED YOU. TWICE!" Wade threw up his hands again, obviously pissed. Before Peter could respond, Wade continued.

"My best fucking friend, Spidey. I shot him in the fucking head TWICE. The only person I even give a shit about! You absolute fucking IDIOT. You're literally the only thing I have left after the divorce and I-- oh god I'm gonna vomit." Wade dropped the spoon and whirled on the trash can.

Peter was off of Wade's couch and at his side before he could even start retching. Wade looked up when he heard Peter hiss in pain beside him.

"You shouldn't be up," Wade chided. "You gotta big ol' hole in your chest I had to stitch up and probly some nerve damage leftover."

Peter ignored him.

"Wade... I'm..." He took a large, deep breath. Time for some peak humility. "...an asshole. For not telling you earlier. For letting things get that far. And for not trusting someone who's been one of my closest friends."

He held a hand up when Wade opened his mouth.

"No, I'm serious. I knew that I shouldn't have kept it from you. Especially for such shitty, selfish reasons."

Wade sighed. "I'm sure they can't be THAT selfish. You ARE Spider-Man, after all."

Peter stared, something unreadable behind his eyes.

"Wade. You like Spider-Man."

"More than you know, Baby Boy." Wade quipped, winking.

"No, Wade. I do know. That's the point."

"Eh-wha?"

"I thought that maybe, if you knew that Spider-Man was also the guy you hated, you'd uh--" Peter half-choked a bit and looked downwards. "--you'd stop spending, uh, time with me..." His sentence trailed off in a grumble. "Either way I'm a big dumb idiot and I'm really sorry."

Wade clapped both of his hands to his face and let out an exaggerated gasp.

"SPIDEY!"

"Oh here we go--"

"You really DO feel THAT way!"

"Wade, don't ruin it--"

"Now we can hug for realsies!"

"--aaand you've ruined it."

Wade had scooped him up into a bridal hold and was mashing their cheeks together while the chicken simmered on the stove.

Peter blushed, grumbled something under his breath, and then pointed towards the large pot.

"..."

"That for me?"

Wade cut the stove off and nodded.

"It waaaaas, but now we have to go out to dinner to celebrate the momentous budding of our relationship."

Peter groaned. "Wade..."

"Oh come on, you're nearly healed, Shield's got Dr. Crazy Pants, your company is safe, I'm only still a LITTLE mad at you, and there's a sweet-ass southwest place down the street open 24/7. What say you?"

"You're... Still a little mad?"

Wade winked. "Nothin dinner and a relationship-consummating blowie wouldn't fix."

"Wade!"

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Partially."

"Ugh. Fine to dinner, hard MAYBE to consummation." Peter rolled his eyes.

"That's not a noooo~!" Wade sang, depositing Peter on his feet and rushing off to his shower.

Peter rolled his eyes and picked off a piece of cooling chicken. He was surprised Wade was still willing to help him, even after discovering his identity. Peter smiled.

Wade's head popped into the hallway. "By the way, I accept your apology. You big, dumb, idiot."

**Author's Note:**

> Hey kids, I have a Ko-Fi now, because my boss doesnt pay me enough to afford my phone bill. Check out Ko-Fi.com/spidergeddon and consider donating!


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